Finding Heaven
by shadows59
Summary: Someone finally calls Buffy out on her attitude. Set after Tabla Rasa. Part 1 of Finding Heaven series.


Title: Finding Heaven

By: Shadows59

Summary: Someone finally calls Buffy out on her attitude. Part 1 of my Finding Heaven series.

Category: A bit of B/X, X/Ay with a hint of B/X/Ay thrown in for the hell of it.

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: Runs up to Tabla Rosa with a major change at the end of the episode.

Disclaimer: Somebody owns BTVS, but I can't remember who… Oh, yeah. Joss, Fox and UPN.

Buffy sat at the bar, her attention split between the woman singing on stage and the bubbles rising in her soda. It was the best day she'd had since… And to think all it took was Willow erasing her memory. Well, except for the name thing. Joan? What was she thinking? Too bad it all had to come back to her. The only way today could get any worse was if…

And just like magic she felt the hand on her shoulder.

Buffy rolled her eyes. She knew who it was without even having to turn around, her very own undead stalker. "What do you want now, Spike? Do you need someone to help you raid the pound?"

"Raid the pound?" Anya asked in astonishment. Buffy felt just as surprised as she spun around on her stool, the ex-vengeance demon was the last person she expected to come after her. "Why on earth would Spike want you to help him raid the pound?" Then she raised her eyebrow in sudden understanding. "Oh, I get it! It's a sex game, like shiver me timbers!"

"Good God no." Buffy shivered with disgust. "I would never sleep with Spike, much less…"

"Kiss him?"

"Oh." That stopped her short. "You know?"

"Well, we did sing about a kiss during the song and dance, and you two took off in the middle of the big finale. And that's all Spike's been talking about since it happened. Well, with me anyway."

"That doesn't mean…" Buffy began, but Anya just stared at her until she crumbled. "All right, I kissed him. I don't know what I was thinking."

"That he was hot and you were desperate."

"I am NOT desperate," Buffy snapped. "Look, I don't why you followed me here. Wait, did Xander send you? This is just like him, he's always been afraid to handle the dirty work on his own. Where is he?" She started scanning the rafters above them. All she needed to see was him duck and she'd be after him.

"Xander doesn't know I'm here," Anya said. "I just wanted to talk to you. I would have waited until you were home, but that place is like Grand Central Station now and I figured we'd have more privacy here. You're making him miserable. Well, you're making Willow miserable too but I think that's just karma."

"That's what you're here to talk about? That I'm making them miserable? Well gee, I guess I did take getting ripped out of heaven a little personally. All better now, let's call them up so we can go for ice cream together," Buffy grabbed her purse and got up to walk away. "I'm so glad we had this talk."

Anya grabbed Buffy's arm. "We aren't done yet."

"Get your hand off me," Buffy growled. Half the creatures of the night would have wet themselves if that tone was directed at them, but Anya just shook her head.

"Not until you sit down so we can talk."

"We don't have anything to talk about. You have no idea what I'm going through." Buffy shook off Anya's hand and started to push her way to the door.

"You don't know why you have to be down here, where it's always too cold and too bright. Why you're trapped in a body that's dying every minute of the day. Why you have to live in a world where everyone you care about will either take off or die. And you can't make anyone understand why you think that living as a mortal isn't the greatest thing in the world." Anya stayed calm as she spoke, while Buffy froze before she got three steps away.

When she turned Anya could see the fear in the slayer's face, the horrible vulnerability that the other girl had tried to keep hidden for the past few weeks. And, unless she was imaging it, Anya saw tears welling up in her eyes. Buffy's lips opened and closed a few times before she finally managed to say one word.

"How?"

Anya smiled as she reached out to take Buffy's hand and led her to the couch in the corner. She finally answered when they were both sitting. "I was a demon."

Buffy frowned as she tried to wrap her mind around her answer. "So?"

"Trust me. There was no pain, no fear, no doubt when I was a demon. I was going to live forever in comfort and bring vengeance to the guilty. To me, that was heaven." Anya's eyes glazed over as she described her paradise. Then she came crashing down to Earth and nailed Buffy with a look that just made the Slayer want to crawl under a rock. "Then I was cast out into a world filled with pain and bunnies."

And Buffy suddenly understood. "When we destroyed your power center."

Anya nodded and waved at herself. "And now look at me. Disgustingly mortal. But you never heard me complaining about it."

Buffy just had to snicker at that, and the snickers just kept growing until she had her arms wrapped around herself and tears were running down her cheeks.

Anya crossed her arms and glared. "And what's so funny?"

"Are you kidding?" Buffy said as she tried to swallow the giggle that was still running through her. "For, like, the first year and a half I knew you all you did was complain about being human."

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Well," Anya said in a huff, "that's not important. What is important is the fact that you can't keep moping about like you are. Besides I was a demon for eleven hundred years, you were dead for barely three months. I had it much worse," she said the last under her breath, but Buffy still heard her.

"What do you want me to do? Go out and start singing about how wonderful life is?"

Anya shuddered. "Please no. I've heard quite enough little ditties lately, thank you."

"Then what? What would it take? Do you want me to go crawling to Xander, Willow and Tara and tell them how grateful I am they brought me back here?"

"You can't."

Buffy froze. "What? Why not?" She had sudden pictures of her friends lying dead on a cold table somewhere.

"Tara left just like Giles did. Xander's helping her move right now."

Buffy felt a rush of relief until she realized what Willow must be going through. "Why? I know she was upset about Willow's spell, but I'm the one who should be mad. After all, it was my mind Will was treating like a blackboard." The last look made her want to crawl under a rock, but the one Anya hit her with now just made her feel like the smallest thing in the world. "What?"

"You can't possibly be this self-centered."

"Yes I… No that's not what I mean. What are you talking about?"

"Willow did the memory eraser thing to Tara a couple of days ago, just because she didn't want to deal with a fight. That's why Tara left. It didn't have anything to do with you."

"I didn't know they were fighting."

"How would you? Your little 'Woe is Buffy' act must be time consuming."

"How dare you?" Buffy hissed and jumped to her feet. This time it worked. Anya tried to slide further away when she saw the hate in the Slayer's eyes. "How dare you come down here and attack me. What makes you think you've earned it? Was it the thousand years you spent killing men as horribly as you can? Or is it from your experience as a living sex toy?"

Now Anya was on her feet too, and standing far to close to Buffy. "I'm sorry about what I did as a demon, all right? If I could take it back I would. But at least most of the people I hurt deserved it. Not like your precious Angel and Spike. And who are you calling a sex toy? I've been loyal to my fella while you've thrown yourself at every man who has ever been at arms rea…" The last bit was cut off by Buffy's hand as it closed around her throat and slammed her down onto the nearest tabletop.

"Hey!" One of the guys who were sitting at the table said as his drink went flying into his lap. "What do you think you're do…" He got up, but before he could do anything Buffy's stake was in her hand. His eyes got big and he slowly backed away. "Never mind. Enjoy."

Buffy didn't even notice him, not even when he said, "I thought lesbian fights were supposed to be sexy." Her eyes never left Anya's.

"Now, I asked you a question. Answer me before I do what I should have done a long time ago." For extra emphasis she pressed the tip of her stake down into the bare skin above Anya's heart. She heard Anya gurgle something. "What? You're going to have to speak up. Mr. Pointy's hearing isn't that great." Anya glared at her and gestured at Buffy's wrist. "Oh, I guess that would help." She loosened her grip just enough so Anya could get some air.

"Glory."

"What about Glory."

"I was the one who figured out how to beat Glory," Anya wheezed out. Buffy's face darkened, but she finally let Anya go. Anya sat up and rubbed her neck. "Are you always this ready to explode?"

"Just leave me alone," Buffy said as she slipped the stake back into her jacket. She felt everyone's eyes on her and turned to glare at as many people as possible. "Show's over," she said and everyone jumped to find something else to do. She nodded and started to make her way back to the bar. Maybe if she was lucky she could talk the bartender into giving her a beer. After today she could use it. Then she felt Anya's hand on her shoulder again. She didn't even bother to turn around. "You just don't learn, do you? Here, let me spell it out for you. LEAVE ME ALONE."

"Not until you hear me out. I'm not going to let you do this to Xander," Anya said as she slid down to the end of the table. She felt silly from the way she was hanging half off to the table, but there wasn't much she could do about it. There wasn't any way she was going to try standing up until the room stopped rocking back and forth so much.

Buffy looked back over her shoulder at the thin ex-demon and chuckled. "Really, and how would you stop me?"

Anya flashed Buffy her best smile. "Simple. I'd poison you, or do something to you in your sleep. Do I look stupid to you?" Anya asked as the smile died and something dark made it's way through her eyes. "And I would if you ever touched Xander like that," she said as she rubbed the red fingerprint-sized bruises on her neck

Buffy stared at the other girl and saw the steel there. Finally she nodded. "So what do you want?"

"Like I said, I want to talk." Buffy crossed her arms and waited. "Can we sit here? For some reason I don't feel much like walking right now."

Buffy nodded and slumped down into one of the recently vacated chairs while Anya took the other one. "Now, talk."

"We did our best, we thought we were doing the right thing, we're sorry, get over it," Anya said in a rush.

Buffy sat quietly for a minute before a single tear made its way down her cheek. "Don't you think I know that? Do you think that's enough?"

"Probably not, but its more than I ever got," Anya huffed.

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Fine, I'm sorry we… No, wait. I'm not sorry. If you were still a demon you'd still be killing people."

"And if you were still dead we'd all be joining you by now. Do you really think we'd last that long on a Hellmouth without a Slayer? Was heaven really worth the lives of everyone you love?" This time Buffy was quiet for a long time, so long that Anya finally glanced at her watch with a sigh. "I should be charging by the minute."

"No," Buffy finally answered. "I wouldn't want anyone to die because I was in paradise. Not even you." She felt the tears start to flow as she said, "But I still don't feel anything."

"You will," Anya promised and awkwardly started to pat the other girl's hand. "In time."

"How?"

"You have to talk to someone. And not Spike. He means well but I wouldn't trust a word that came out of his mouth. You need someone who isn't trying to pull you back into the grave with him. Besides, I've seen the two of you together. At the rate you're both going you'll destroy each other."

"Talking. Is… Is that how you got through it?"

Anya smiled, this time with warmth. "Yeah. Xander was there for me when I needed him, when we needed each other. I still don't think you know how badly you and Willow hurt him when you two went off to college and left him behind."

Buffy winced at the thought of what she did and was still doing to her friends. "But it's just so hard."

"I know." Now Anya was the one who sat quietly for a long time. Then she leaned in and lowered her voice until Buffy had to lean forward to hear her. "I'm going to tell you something that I don't want anyone else to know about. Especially not Xander. Do you understand?" Buffy nodded. "Good. You know about my gun?"

"The one that Xander tried to use to kill his other half?"

"Yeah. Do you know why I had it?"

"To protect yourself from vamps and demons?"

"Bullets don't do much against the undead."

"Then why?" Anya just looked at her, her eyes blank. Buffy thought for a second, then her face lit up. "Oh!" And the look collapsed. "Oh my God."

Anya just nodded. "It was right before the prom. I'd lost everything, my power, my job, all of my friends and it was clear I couldn't make it as a mortal. I mean, I was barely passing math and despite what Xander calls my firm, yet supple tight embrace no one would go out with me. So I figured who wanted to live another eighty years like that and got the gun."

"From who? You were a minor…. You looked like a minor."

Anya just rolled her eyes. "This is Sunnydale. And I had a few connections left. So I got the gun. But before I could use it something happened."

A light went off in Buffy's head. "You and Xander went to the prom."

Anya nodded. "It wasn't much but it was enough. He saved me and I saved him. It seems fair."

Buffy stared at Anya, and tried to imagine the amazingly self confident girl even thinking about killing herself. "Would you have done it?"

Anya just shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe, or maybe not. It wasn't like I had all that much to look forward to back then." Anya reached over and clutched Buffy's hand so hard it hurt. "But you do. You have friends who risked their souls to save you and a sister that loves you. Heaven isn't just a cloud somewhere. Or, at least it doesn't have to be. And you'll make your life a hell if you keep chasing everyone away. It's up to you."

Buffy nodded and leaned back in thought. "So Xander did all that… Maybe…" She mumbled to herself. She had the faintest hint of the old glimmer back in her eyes.

She didn't say soft enough to hide it from Anya. "Don't even think it. Xander's mine and I'm not sharing." Then Anya got a glimmer of her own. "Well, maybe for a threesome."

And Buffy's entire body blushed a bright red. "ANYA!"

Anya just grinned. "You sure get embarrassed easy for someone who can't feel anything. I take it you're feeling better?"

"Mortified, but better," Buffy said when she finally calmed down a little. "Thank you," she added with real gratitude.

"You're welcome. So you're going to try…"

"To get back with my friends? Yeah. As a matter of fact, I heard tomorrow's pizza night at your place and if you had an extra paper plate…"

Anya nodded. "You're always welcome. Well, not always. Call first. And knock loudly."

"I will. And I'm sorry about…"

Anya gestured at her throat. "This? Don't worry about that. Work a major holiday or two and we'll be even."

Buffy shuddered at the thought of facing the sea of angry customers again but knew she was trapped. "All right."

Then Anya shook her head. "No. You said you'd keep my secret so I'll keep yours. Deal?"

"Deal. And I'll tell you what. If you don't tell anyone about Spike I won't tell anyone about your other secret either."

"What other one?" Anya asked as her eyes looked back and forth, making sure that no one was close enough to hear them.

"About the lipstick that I saw on Giles' handkerchief. The lipstick that looks surprisingly like the kind you're wearing right now."

Anya fidgeted in her seat. "It's not what you think."

"Really, because I think you totally beat me out in the Ew factor," Buffy said with a wide smile. "Wait till I tell the guys."

"You said you wouldn't," Anya whined. "It was bad enough waking up in the middle of it."

Buffy just laughed as she stood and pulled Anya to her feet. "Let's go home," she said and wrapped her arm around Anya's. Anya was still protesting as they walked out, but Buffy didn't mind. For the first time in a very long time the night didn't seem quite as dark.


End file.
